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  • Kelly Burns

A Woman Must Turn Herself Into A Pretzel

Updated: May 16, 2018


Feign indifference when you are upset. Avoid anger. Avoid too much passion. Avoid being insensitive.


Always smile.


Be pleasing. Be a team player. Be kind. Don’t be bossy, demanding, or strong willed. Be sweet, not salty. Don’t drink too much. Don’t talk too much. Don’t be too rowdy. Be a good mother. Always think of your kids first.


Never think of yourself first.


Always wash yourself after being outside, or in the city. Shower daily, or twice daily. Be good to others (even when they are snotty to you).

Ignore any missteps or any harsh words spoken by others.


Smile afterward and uphold an air of camaraderie.


Don’t intrude into the personal lives of others. They might not want to tell you their life stories.

Make a quick judgement and see if they genuinely want to talk. If not, keep the conversation light and airy.


If your husband wants to go to school and not work, go to work to support your family. You must always think of the good of your family before yourself. Even if on the way, he finds himself a hot mistress.


If you address it, you are less of a woman. If you show any emotion, you are just crazy. Pick your battles.


If you ignore it, you are a keeper. You win the gold. You will be taken care of. The fling girl will probably fade, so continue to be your husband’s confidant, and you will see how quickly you will win his favor, and how quickly he will return home to what is constant: His wife, his children and his home life (If he doesn’t, he wasn’t worth it anyway, and you deserve better).


Remind him every now and then of what he has to lose.


Dress up for him. Dress sexy when he comes home. Cook for him or take him to bed to cuddle. Feed him breakfast in bed. Don’t get too fat, too gray-haired, or too frumpy.

Always refresh your wardrobe. If you like to shop at thrift stores, don’t look like you shop at thrift stores. Add a new item of clothing every now and then. Be in tune with what he likes. If he hates nail polish, why wear it? You want to capture his attention, not lose it.


Remember to take care of yourself. No one will ever teach you this in school. Your mother won’t even teach you. You will have to learn by being burnt out from all of the work you have to do.


Taking care of your own mother perhaps, your grandmother, packing lunches for your children, or staying up all night to help them with their homework. Feed all of the dogs. You might even miss your mammogram (Don’t be this kind of woman).


The world depends on you, but it can’t if you aren’t here to depend on. Even though you must put others first, still, l do not become last on your list.


Try to schedule “me time” every now and then. You know you are stretched, but ask for help when you need it. Take a solo journey or vacation for some perspective. Schedule a massage. Go to the bookstore and lose yourself in a book.


Have your husband watch the kids. Remind them all that you need them to cover for you every now and then, and that this is a reminder of how great you are as a wife, mother, and woman. Your absence will help them to understand how much you provide.


Look at your checkbook. Maybe it’s not as large as you had once imagined it would be.


Maybe all of the years of hard work, do not amount to much. Save for a rainy day.


Don’t go too crazy shopping at all of the department stores, buying clothes, or having pedicures. This won’t matter 30 years from now, when you are old and gray and your bank account is empty.


Keep as much money as you can, because women live longer than men, and you will most likely outlive your husband. Don’t buy on impulse. Take yourself out every now and then to a nice lunch or dinner, but try to eat at home more. Save your money.

If your husband leaves you for the hot mistress, you will hurt less if you have money in your bank account.


No, money can’t buy you happiness or love, but it will give you options.


Don’t work for nothing, and value your contributions. Leave employers who refuse to pay you what you are worth. You’ll be happier when you have more control over your future. If you value yourself more, others will too.


Look in the mirror and ask yourself what changes might you make to better yourself. Maybe you will make none at all. Maybe you can love yourself more. Maybe you are doing just fine.


You are not perfect. You will never be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, or woman. Don’t strive to be. Cut ties with people who expect you to be the perfect friend, employee, or woman.


Sometimes women are harder on other women. We can be petty and jealous, but we can also be kind, gracious and empathetic.


Maybe it’s okay if you have some flaws. Maybe everyone has flaws, and we are all just trying to hide them from each other. If we own all of our beautiful little imperfections we can still shine anyway.


Maybe the world should just give you a break. Maybe you should give yourself a break. Maybe we should all appreciate the many ways in which women hold the human race together.


As bitchy and as complicated, as strong and as insecure, as powerful and as vulnerable and emotional we all can be at times, there is really nothing wrong with us. We just need to be and let ourselves be, without pretense.


Think of all of the women that came before you.


Think of all of the sacrifices they have made for you, so that you can be the strange, confident, powerful, gorgeous, kind, empathetic, wild, intelligent, and thoughtful woman you are today.


Be grateful for their sacrifices. You didn’t get here alone, and you won’t go much further without each other.


You’ve got this, sister.

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